Before you dive into this article I need you to put aside diet plans and strategy. This isn’t about the technical side of a diet. While having the right technical game can help with the mental game, at the end of the day this is a mind game and a mind f**k to be truthful. This whole process of getting the body you want can be boiled down to a simple test of will once you have the education. So set aside carb cycling, fasting, or weight watcher points because I need you to face something much more complicated and scarier – your fear.
Same old story
You know the story but I am going to paint it for you anyway.
You have been diet diligent for a few days and might have made it to the weekend. You have multiple days under your belt of being the creator of your new destiny and nothing is going to stop you now. Then, it happens. It can come in all shapes and sizes. It can be in the form of a friend offering you a drink, your mind playing games with you about your health and anxiety, apathy, or good ole fashion mom guilt. Whatever it is, you are now in the moment where the red button of failure is flashing and you are about to push it.
Why we push the big red button of diet fail
If you think I am going to tell you there is one answer to this, you were right. There is one answer to this dilemma. The answer is fear. Our boring, powerful, and good old faithful friend, fear. At first you may not think it is so simple, but let me enlighten you with angles on this tale you might have previously missed. Below I am going to provide you with a few classic reasoning of why we push the button and you can see for yourself if fear is behind it all.
Situation #1 – You don’t want to be rude
I come from a southern baptist background. Saying no to food in my family is not only looked down upon, it could be grounds for complete excommunication. My point is I understand being in a situation where you are surrounded by people looking at you to not be the person to rain on their gluttonous parade. In the moment it isn’t actually about you. I hate to be the one to tell you this but people on average are very selfish. It is usually subconscious and they are not aware of their actions. People don’t want to be:
1. reminded of what they should be doing themselves
2. to feel like you are ruining their good time because you are in a foul mood from not being able to eat.
Sure there is the occasional mom of the group who just doesn’t get it and wants to feed the world, but guess what, she doesn’t care if you don’t eat or drink. The only people that really care are the ones fitting the above description.
When you look at it that way what is a logical response?
1. Think to yourself “Screw you, this isn’t about anyone but me.”
2. Don’t whine and give people a reason to help you fail.
If you push the big red flashing button in this moment what are you really saying? You are saying you are afraid of what others are going to think about you. You are saying you don’t trust your relationships with people and they are based off of shallow things. You are afraid of confrontation, letting people down, making a scene, being public about a diet you aren’t sure you will succeed with. Fear, fear, and more fear.
Situation #2 – You are going to die
I wont lie to you, dieting sucks. I am one of the few people who is honest about the physical pain and mental anguish losing weight causes. I don’t know why people haven’t come clean about this torture before. Sure there are some people who react fine to it physically or are distracted enough to not notice. For the rest of us, and note I include myself, it sucks. If I have a “crutch” in fat loss it is the physical. I can’t sleep, get headaches, joint pains and all with the smartest efforts and best of techniques. If it wasn’t for those efforts it would be much harder too.
You have to remember fat loss isn’t healthy and your body doesn’t want you doing what it is doing. At the end of the day though you have to tell yourself it is going to be alright. You can’t let the anxiety and fear get to you because you will be okay and it is just temporary.
Situation #3 – You want don’t want it anymore
So you have had enough eh? It has been too long and you want to live, be with your friends and you don’t want to play this game anymore? Is this fear? Damn right it is! Fear of failure and a fun dash of frustration.
The first problem could be you don’t know what you are doing and you fear the process doesn’t work. Well your process may not be working but this is what I write about. If you are here you no longer have an excuse. You found me, you found fat’s kryptonite. There is nothing you can do about it now, if you fail it is because you are giving in before you even really began.
If you can turn to me and say “I really am happy with who I am now” then I say “What the hell are you doing on my site then?” It’s fear, plain and simple. Its regret, frustration, too many binges, too many events of #1 and #2 coming together to create a messed up rollercoaster for you. You are so confused you can’t tell who to trust or what to do. It is time to stop the cycle and get it done.
Count to three and jump
It is time to face your dieting fears. Only when you do this will change start to happen. There is no trick; there is no gimmick. You simply have to face it. Let me leave you with this…
“He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Great topic, Leigh! I don’t see myself as fearful, and my food fear is a bit different: I have been consumed with dieting my whole life. What will I do if I’m not dieting? What creative outlet have I been fearing? What should I paint? Flowers? nah not saving the world… Politics? for what? Paintings: useless and piled up in my house. Fear of the empty white canvas. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of not having ideas. … Or if not art/painting, then what? Making a difference? how? now that I’m so cynical and don’t believe in changing the world… Fear of failure: what success do I want in life.
Certainly not this epithath: Here lies Etana who finally learned how to diet.
There’s gotta be a bigger challenge for me that I’m so fearful of.
- Etana
Where do you find these awesome photographs to accompany your posts? They are always so crazy appropriate…
very well said!
Good article Leigh. I think in addition to the fear of dieting, many people (including myself) get so confused by the different types of diets recommended. I have learned from you that at the end of the day it = calories in vs. calories out… I have read so many proponents of low carb/low fat/keto/etc it’s hard to decipher the good information from the bad which contributes to the fear of dieting as well… thanks for the insight and support!
Leigh,
I am 51 years old, been weight training for a couple of years. Before that I was a runner. I’ve never been grossly overweight, just the 10-15 that never left after my two sons were born. Now menopause enters the equation. While I still train dillegently and do watch what I eat, I am wondering what roadblocks if any that this phase of life is going to throw at me. I fear the unkown! I am still forging ahead trying to build/maintain muscle mass, and I haven’t gained any weight. Any help or insight would be appreciated. Sorry to take a bit of a left turn here, I cannot find any information on menopause as it relates to weight training, muscle loss/gain, etc.
thanks!
Deb
We will defiantly be having to talk about this more down the road with Destination Abs Holiday Edition starting up this week…
What up Leigh,
I think there’s another situation: fear of succes.
Unrelated to this post, I have started to eat only three times a day and I feel great doing it. I hate snacking on meal sizes suited for canaries.
“You have to remember fat loss isn’t healthy”
That’s a fairly loaded statement.
-For protracted periods, definitely.
-Trying to get contest lean, definitely
-If running a massive deficit for anything more than the briefest of periods (and even this probably isn’t needed or a good idea for most folks), definitely
-Trying to force yourself to remain below your typical “setpoint”, definitely (although even this has gray area, as different people will obviously have different physical and psychological reactions to different intakes and levels of leanness)
*In hindsight, I recognize this is likely just a typical general statement placed into an article, since you can’t routinely write mega blog posts. And yes, if you’re depriving your body of necessary nutrients and fuel, it is not the picture of health.
All that said, when most people are doing the types of things you would likely be on board with them doing, fat loss should happen in a relatively timely fashion and get you to the point where you can focus on maintenance. And with the type of fat loss most of the population is in need of, fat loss, when executed sanely, is one of the healthiest choices to be made.
But then again, you’re the expert, and I am just some random guy posting in the comments section, so I don’t know why I jumped on one snippet of one comment.
Great post. Bookmarked!
Thanks for calling me out on my shit, I needed this today. I am soo guilty of #1 and need to either trust people will get over it or even (scary!) think about finding new people in my life.
Just what I needed today. I really like when you tackle the psychological aspects of fat loss. Thanks Leigh.
This came at the perfect time. Great article, Leigh.
Great quote at the end.
Wow Leigh you tell it like it is don’t you?
I have to be honest Leigh… For me the fear was in my subconscious mind, thinking that going on a diet would be like ending a relationship with my best friend, FOOD.
But sometimes in life you have to move on and end relationships in order to reach your own true potential.
On my journey I had to end many relationships with friend’s like Cookie, Cake and my buddy KFC. It was hard but my new pal named diet is working our fine. LOL
Great post LP keep it coming!
It’s articles like these that makes me keep coming back, Leigh.
#1 plagues me the most, but I have issues with all three.
I’ve been off-the-rails with my diet for the last two weeks and am now so frustrated I feel like the guy in “The Scream.” Your clarity with these kinds of messy emotions provide a great support in helping me get real, take a deep breath, calm down, and dig into the fear again.
This really hit the spot for me. Thanks for your words – my favorite “if you fail it is because you are giving in before you even really began.”
keep the good stuff coming Leigh – you rock!!!!!
Ahh….finally the truth! Refreshing.
You definitely have to be mentally tough to achieve nearly anything that’s worth achieving.
Glad I didn’t miss this one!
Ah, you have such the way of wiggling right in there to that tender spot that we all try to keep hidden. And then you poke at it and bring it to the light of day. Great post, Leigh. You rock!
great post – good to put words to that gnawing feeling I have that I don’t recognize as hunger.
Interesting stuff. I actually think fear controls most of us in SO many aspects of our lives and in some ways for the same reasons you give above, especially in terms of nutrition and working out of course. I think sometimes we set ourselves up to fail just so we can say SEE, it doesn’t work, screw it! Anyway thanks for the post, it was helpful. Personally I’m still trying to do intermittent fasting b/c it has worked in the past but, we will see. This go round so far, not so good. I love your site!
Hi Leigh,
I’m new to your site. Great article! No 1 is certainly true for me. I get it all the time with my in laws and I feel like it is the perfect excuse to eat badly…you know…because I’m doing it to be polite so it isn’t my fault!
And No 3 rings true too. I used to say to myself that “I would be sad if my belly fat ever went away, because I was so used to having it.” What a joke! I don’t have that belly fat anymore and it feels SO much better.
I really enjoy your approach to fat loss, so thank you
Kimberly
Etana - I think we as people cuts ourselves too short. We are more than the foods we put in our mouths and the weight we carry on our body. Tomorrow is just another reason to be great at something today. Certainly someone who can paint the world can come up with something greater than dieting.
Kelsey - They are great images aren’t they. I am blessed with having to pay a lot of money for them usually. Sometimes I score on flicker though and give credit where it is due to the artists.
Shari- Thanks
Cassie - Absolutely, which is why I put ” a simple test of will once you have the education.” I still stand by that the majority of people dieting failures is in the miseducation of fat loss. Sadly this seems to be something we will battle as long as there are people out there who want to sell their gimicks.
Deb - It is all about that diet, so my question is what are you doing with it? I saw you write a lot about training but nothing about your diet. That is your lock, now what are you using as the key?
Daniel – Success is scary. I struggle with it all the time and what it means to my life and who I will become, if it is truly what I want, if the grass is simply greener on the other side or even a mirage. At the end of the day I know that moving is living and if I guide by good ethics, education, and love it can’t be too bad right?
Jack - Fat loss made lead you to being healthier, but the act of fat loss itself is not healthy. You are deficient of vitamins, energy, more prone to problems, injuries, mental issues, etc. No, fat loss is not healthy but that is why it should be a short term medicine to fix a problem, not a life long journey you keep messing with. That is what gets people hurt.
Keith – Appreciated.
Jill – I am not one to restrain
Hollie – I have a few more coming, they are always my favorite to write.
Beth – Thank you.
James – Emerson and Thoreau are daily reads.
Mr. Meltdown – Food IS your friend, it is your livlyhood. We need food just like we need people. Would you walk all over people like you do food? Would you binge on their time, always hang out with the bad crowd, and never devote time to getting to know new people? Guess where the bad crowd of people leaves you? A bad life, death, bad health, etc.
Time you made better friends with food
Anna - Look just don’t start taking out a bunch of high school kids k?
Vicky – Thank you
Edeth – Nothing great comes easy right?
Sinead – I am a mean ole bastard aren’t I?
Beeb - Thank you.
Katy - I agree. As for the IF, always remember it is just a method. Different methods for different people.
Kim – Thanks and I have not met one person who truly wanted their belly to be bigger other than a happily soon to be mama.
I am so happy I read this today. I know its days after you posted it, but I’m so happy I read it. I’ve been “dieting” for about 63 weeks now. And I’ve been pretty successful – lost about 45 pounds. But now I’m stuck. Really stuck and it is getting so discouraging.
I had no idea what I was going to ask for Christmas this year. But I’ve been eyeing your Fat Loss Troubleshoot Manual for quite some time now. I think I might actually buy it. Merry Christmas to me.
)
Thanks.
A nice straight-shooting article! A agree…..mental toughness is more important than have the latest diet fad handbook!
Thanks for the re-post!
Fantastic article..because it does not matter what diet you are on like you said,there is an emotional vesting to fat loss which sucks when you are in the process but gives you a big sense of accomplishment after you succeed.
I remember to one of your podcasts where u said ” it was like torching your body from the inside” and with torching there is always some torturing right !!!