That title just flew out my fingertips and on to the blog post. I have no control over that kind of genius.
Disclaimer: If you are easily offended, think that I could possibly hate someone for being overweight, or think this is anything more than amateur psychology, don’t bother reading.
Last night I sat down, wrapped myself up in my beat up blanket, and took in my 2nd round of the “More to Love” show. It delivered.
If you didn’t know “More to Love” is a new show on Fox. The premise of the show is, as they put it, a “Bachelor for plus size.” Here is a brief preview.
The intro to the show starts out with a cop show type scroll of text.
*Cue gruffy jaded police officer voice over.*
“The average girl on a reality dating show is a size 2…”
*Cue shot of size 2 honey slowly removing her bouncing breast from hot tub*
“The average American woman is a size 14.”
*Cue shot of size 22 woman depressed in a hot tub.*
In the first 3 minutes they managed to reduce overweight women to blubbering basket cases who act more like victims of domestic violence than dating contestants. You also can’t help but notice all the attention put on what they like to eat and how much they eat. I don’t remember ever seeing a bachelor episode where we focus on a woman gnawing a skewer of beef.
Hell have no fury like a big woman scorned or jealous?
A funny aspect is how quickly the claws came out. Most of the time with these shows it takes at least 3-4 episodes for the majority of the women or men to get catty. Oh no, not these women. Sabotage, weight judgment, and calling others sea otters were all abound. If they weren’t crying or sounding psycho in their interviews, they were being bitchy as hell. In the 2nd episode he seemed to eliminate some of the only sane seeming females that were there, but then that is nothing new for reality dating in general.
These are not women who are proud of their large bodies and ridding themselves of insecurity. These are woman scorned from society and filled with bad memories of being picked last for red rover, literally. Women who are crying left and right in the interviews and are afraid to put in bathing suits. Women who hate a “stick” or the smaller women, because reverse judgment is always the answer. Women who are jaded from never even having a boyfriend to being with people who are embarrassed of them.
What about the big boned man Hero?
Enter our bachelor hero who accepts the women for who they are. He knows what being rejected for being overweight is like for himself. He then moves from insecurity to the typical stance of “Why have a six pack when you can have a whole keg.” He also proclaims a hate of tracking his food intake and thinks, as a lot of people do when faced with weight loss challenges, that “Life is too short.” Food in excess has become a luxury not to be denied to him and these women but if given the chance, would they change?
That is the big question isn’t it?
Dear group of overweight singles,
If the fat removal fairy godmother came down and removed your weight for you, would you go for it, or would you stay the same?
I have yet to meet one person who would deny this. While I know there is a fetish for everything and always an exception, at the end of the day the majority aren’t happy with who they are. They don’t feel that they are the best of who they can be, are lost, and like everyone else looking for love and someone to accept them. For some this is more of an issue than others.
Even men and women I know with amazing partners that are overweight would still for themselves like to have that difference in their life. It isn’t all about the hook up and acceptance, it is much deeper than that. It’s about the mirror image you have of yourself in your mind, and the hope of achieving the best you can be.
Here is my question to you – What do you think? What do you think about all of this? I found it a fascinating study of human character, but this isn’t a solo conversation.
What do you think about the segrigation in the first place? Do you feel these women are setting a good example for overweight single women? (I don’t). Let me know what you think of this show and what it makes you feel.
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I watched the show last night. I have the feeling I will continue watching because the otucome of the show oddly intrigues me.
The first thing I notice right off the bat is – 80% of the women are NOT in a positive mindset and are struggling with unhappiness over their weight. In my opinion, people who are not happy with themselves SHOULD not be “looking for love”. They should be conquering their own problems. I don’t think someone who has so many emotional coping problems with being overweight (or even non-fat people suffering from body dismorphia) should be looking for a relationship. I don’t think a relationship can be successful when one person is so unhappy with themselves. Look after yourself first, and then when you are in a healthy mindset – consider looking for a partner.
There are a few women on there that seem happy and accepting of their bodies. But for the most part, the crying and unhappiness portrayed in all those interviews was a bit over the top. Clearly these women have issues they need to deal with.
Finding a mate/boyfriend/husband or whatever is not a solution for inner peace. It’s only taking a “bandaid” approach.
I’m not sure what the actual show is trying to portray to the rest of us. I can’t stop watching but I don’t really think the message is appropriate. It seems like they are trying to humor/entertain the healthy population with clips of fat people crying and whining about their weight.
I’m not particularly looking forward to the “make out” scenes too…I wonder how far they will take that?
I think it is a joke. For the record I have a girlfriend who is a size 12 (down from a size 24) and she is amazing and has ambition. She watched this show and had to turn it because they were whinning so much.
I agree that when it comes to weight loss info it can be confusing, but there is no excuse for being obese if you really don’t want to be. It might take some time, and I commend anyone who is trying (even if failing). Still, the choice is yours.
Fun post, you are going to get creamed by the pro-fat groups.
“I’m not particularly looking forward to the “make out” scenes too…I wonder how far they will take that?”
Oh my god how could you write something like that?!
Leigh I didn’t think your article was offensive at all, but I do think that was.
I think they aren’t a very good image of who overweight women are, though they do cover the frustrations that being overweight can bring. I am on my last 10-15 pounds (down 82 from FLTS, thanks Leigh!
) and I know what it is like to be judge for my weight. I changed for ME, not somebody else. I have a wonderful husband already and a very supportive family system, I just had too many years of it creepy on.
I think if we were really accepting these things, we wouldn’t be mockign it with a reality tv show.
I haven’t watched the show, but from what I have heard and read about it, it doesn’t seem to be emphasizing body acceptance and happiness at any size, but preying on insecure women and entertaining the masses with it. (If it did emphasize acceptance and had a positive message it would be way too boring for ratings though amirite?) I would venture to guess that a lot of women (or men) who sign up for these type of shows have issues with insecurity…just a guess. And for this show, they have the insecurities the “thin” women do and the insecurities of being overweight – at least it seems. I can’t agree more with the sentiment of being the best version of oneself, but based on what I hear, these women are not happy with themselves. The other thing that bothers me about the show is that they put the women’s “stats” on the screen? Dubs to the TF? If this is about acceptance, why would that matter?
The dude’s attitude and sense of entitlement when saying life is too short to indulge in everything and anything kind of bugs me too….shouldn’t we be moving away from living in excess?
Anywho, I have watched my fair share of the Bachelor and Bachelorette to know that the couples never last anyway, so what is the point anyway?
Wow guess I had more to say then I thought about a show I have never seen.
My husband and I dated in college when he was a XXL (350lbs on a 6’2″ frame) and I was a size 18/20/22. We were in love no matter what size we were … but at some point we both realized that being fat was not good for us in multitudes of ways, and now we are both down, him 130lbs and me 40lbs (size 8/10!), and our lives are definitely better, we have more energy, can do more, and feel better. We hiked a small mountain on Memorial Day together and go for evening walks for exercise. Yeah, maybe fat people are more likely to find love with each other (similar types and all), and I did, but that is no reason to promote it as a-ok to be fat and unhappy so long as you find a man who is the same! I haven’t watched the show (though I did see many commercials), and based on this I probably want to avoid it.
I only got to watch part of week 1. I thought the balloons with the girls names, (comma) weight was ridiculous. They don’t weigh in the “normal” bachelor and bachelorette’s. I think the show is horrible for women. More later when I can actually take the time to comment. Thank you for your post it’s so right on and only touches on the issues. There are too many things wrong to mention with this entire show.
Well… it’s no worse than Flava of Love.
I mean, if you think that the ultimate husband is Flava Flav, a girl probably has more problems than just her health. No disrespect to Public Enemy fans out there, I mean, if it had been Chuck D of Love, it’d be a totally different story.
The “I hate tracking my food” thing is interesting to me… because I hate it too!
I’m also not really a fan of keeping a really tight calendar or balancing my checkbook.
And I wish someone would come to my house to cut my hair, ’cause seriously it’s such a bother to go have to go all the way to Floyd’s to see my stylist.
And cooking is a pain in the ass.
See, I can complain just as much as the next guy.
I could find a million things in my life that I don’t want to have to manage or take responsibility for.
And anyone could make a pretty convincing case for a TV show – People who don’t clean their car need love too! People who are broke need love too! People who don’t have personal hygiene need love too!
Sure, everyone needs love. But man is it pathetic.
I’d totally hate my life if I didn’t manage the things that need to be managed.
The people on the show are depressed less from their body, but from not managing their health.
It’s not being fat that gets them down, it’s being fat and still eating another twinkie.
The show would be ok if they were like “I eat to much crap and I don’t know why, I’m working on it and I still need love too” vs. *pretending as hard as possible* “I like being fat!!”
I don’t care what weight a person truly feels comfortable with. I’ve had client who’s goal was to go from 38% (unhealthy) to 26% (average), she got there felt awesome, and there were high fives all around.
But I don’t believe anyone really wants to be really seriously overweight.
The same way no one wants to be broke. No one wants to be untrustworthy. No one wants their family to hate them.
There are basic currencies in life (whether it’s health, family, looking good, career, whatever), and to pretend that being ineffective in any of those areas is ok…
…it’s just a lie to cover up hopelessness.
It’s really sad.
Maybe when they fall in love it will help them feel good enough about themselves to take care of themselves.
The show would be twice as interesting if they brought on a personal trainer, a psychologist, a nutrition coach… maybe a hypnotherapist and an NLP person, maybe get Dr. Drew on there… anyway if everyone on the show had the *option* of having some professional help with their health/fitness issues. THAT would be an interesting show! Getting to see who would take the help, who wouldn’t, and how that would effect the dynamics of the show!
yeahhhh – they’re all flat out crazy! probably just as screwed up as the skinny sticks on the other shows… and they wonder why they don’t have love in their lives???
The thing that the “ideal weight or happiness” debate misses is that weight and happiness interlink. Eating right, exercising regularly, being the right weight, getting plenty of sleep, and being happy are all aspects of finding that zen place in your life – for me. It’s not a choice of one or the other; being happy leads to eating better; eating better leads to a better body weight, which leads to more comfort moving around.
Of course there are skills involved, and choices to see eating right as more rewarding than eating out, but the point is that often people do need to feel loved and love themselves before eating right can take hold. Or, more to the point, they’re both part of the overall feedback loop (along with proper sleep).
That’s the first thing I noticed in last night’s episode–they’re eating something in almost every scene!! On the original Bachelor/Bachelorette, you hardly ever see them eat (though they’re drinking alcohol constantly!).
No doubt, there aren’t many there who are happy with their weight/body or who wouldn’t jump at the chance to change it if given an easy option (oh, if only the “easy” button worked for weight loss!). I wonder how long those interviews went on to get them all to the point of tears. I mean, really. I’m fat and all, but I don’t get reduced to tears about it. It’s not like I’m a victim or anything–I ate the food and haven’t done what it takes (yet) to get the weight off. Why should I sit around whining about it?
Of course, I’ll still watch because 1-I’m fascinated by social behavior, etc., and 2-I’m a sucker for “reality” tv…perhaps it’s an escape for me after a day of the very real reality of my life with 3 little (and often crying/complaining/or whining but still sweet enough often enough that I don’t want to disown them) kiddos.
oh! And the other thing that bugged me last night was the number of them who said things like “finally, someone will like me for me” or “after all these years” or whatever phrase suggests that they’ve lived a LONNNNNGGGGGGGGGG life of being ignored or abused or abandoned. Dude. Most of them are in their early 20s! They act like they’re middle aged or on death’s door! What about the rest of their life?!
I agree with much of what Josh said and I have to tell you I can’t watch anymore of this stuff…
These TV execs know that we are so desparate for entertaning distractions, provided by people we “RELATE” to that they have decided to dress up Dress Up old epidodes of “Real Life” in different genres and sell them to us.
Personally I work very hard with real people everyday who want improve and move themselves past their current condition.
Not people who are so attention starved that it gets in the way of seeking real help!
It’s one of the reasons why I spend so much time on my fitness training blogsite talking about how best to approach fitness.
If I could sit down with the people on these shows I would scream at them
to go home! Although that wouldn’t work because they would rather be screamed at then not spoken to at all!
That kind of life has to suck!
I was waiting for your take on the show. I wasn’t sure what to expect from it. I felt uncomfortable during the whole show. Not because they were over weight, but because that was the focus of it. Hated that they showed each persons weight. Glad to see that the second show stopped doing it.
I really don’t see what they see in him at all, he seems like a player and very insincere.
My heart broke for the ones who believe this is their only chance at love. I found it very interesting too that there did seem to be more judging towards each other then in the Original show. Maybe it has something to do with judging others so you feel better about yourself.
I also don’t look forward to the makeouts either. but I hate those in all of the shows, has nothing to do with who’s making out. It’s just ick that they kiss everyone one after the other.
Leigh, if you want a really interesting study on human dynamics you have to watch “Dating in the Dark” this is a very interesting show. It’s heart warming and heartbreaking. Very very interesting how people interact with each other when you can’t judge by apperance. And then how that changes once you see what they look like.
Leigh
I agree with Michelle. The ‘Bachelor’ for bigger people is still ‘the Bachelor… nothing but amped up drama strung out WAY too long. I’m not a huge reality TV fan, but ‘Dating in the Dark’ is surprisingly fresh and enjoyingly succint. One hour, three potential couples, and that’s it. Each show brings in six new people. The greatest part is the ending on the balcony when their match either joins them from the door behind or they watch them walk away with their rolling luggage — rejection personified.
I am not a fan of most reality television and definitely not fan of any kind of dating one. The fact that they have segregated overweight women just adds to the silliness of dating reality TV. The show isn’t about dating or finding “true love”, it’s about ratings and making money. Sometimes at the expense of the “contestants”. However, I am annoyed by the drama/tears/whining….when you go on national television to find true love, what were you expecting?! The show feeds into stereotype after stereotype.
What percentage were bound to be large because of genetics?
Why do some people continually fail with weight loss? Is it because they don’t really commit for long enough, they lie that they’ve tried every diet in the world, for some reason weight loss may be more difficult for them as the urge to eat is strong? Leigh, do you think the majority of those women could lose weight and keep it off easily – or would it be more of a struggle for them?
Haven’t watched the show and I think I watched .5 of an episode of the Bachelor before deciding to do something else with my time, but I agree with Bree–these shows aren’t about finding love or acceptance or anything like that. They’re about “entertainment” and ratings so the network can make money off of advertising. Contentment and happiness don’t make for good TV. With my English major/writing background, I could trace it to the need for drama–a character has a “problem” that he or she struggles to overcome and in so doing, changes. Ideally, that is. Sometimes the character may decide to stay the same, which is often then viewed as more of a tragedy. Regardless, I think the best stories are the ones involving change.
Applying that to reality TV becomes a bit stickier, however. I have my doubts as to whether the contestants behave as they do in real life–if they’re smart (and despite their appearance on a reality TV show I wouldn’t put it pas them) they’ll realize that the more the dramatic and “entertaining” they are, the more they’ll appeal to the audience. That could be the very reason why the bachelor knocks of the sane women, as Sinead mentions, early on–they’re not entertaining.
No, I don’t have that much of a point; just airing out my thoughts.
One last thing. I can’t remember how the discussion came up, but back in college a friend and I had a discussion about arranged marriages and some sort of dating show where the viewers actually picked who ended up with whom. She remarked that she actually thought arranged marriages weren’t “that bad an idea” and could result in happy marriages. My reply was yeah, it can be happy if those doing the arranging have the best interests of the potential husband and wife in mind. I don’t think that’s the case with the TV-watching masses. I’m sure you’d get a lot of votes to match people up because it seems they’d be miserable together. I can say 100% I would not let millions of people who’ve never met me in person pick who I’m going to date.
Okay, now I’m done.
It seems that the women’s insecure atttitudes and the guy’s ethic of self-indulgence send out the wrong message. I think that, as a culture, we’re a little too hung up on fitness being tied to appearance more than overall health. A lot of people tend to gravitate toward the extremes – either sacrificing their health just to look good or rejecting the whole notion of healthy nutrition and exercise and just letting themselves go. I often wish the 100-year-old concept of “physical culture” which emphasized internal health at least as much as the external physique would come back – for both men and women.
Now I know this last comment is coming from a purely male perspective, but, as for these Bachelor-type shows, I’d personally would like to see one with secure women contestants who, according to the survey Leigh conducted, would be classified as “bulky!” But that’s just me…
As quite a few people have mentioned, reality TV wants ratings, not self-improvement, and calm, centered, drama-free women were no doubt weeded out. What part of ‘American Idol’ does every0ne want to see? The people who’ve been hairbrush-singing for 15 years, who think they’ll go right out and cut a major CD, get shown up, then pitch a fit backstage.
As far as your fairy godmother question, I think of it slightly differently; you’ve got a bunch of people who airily say, looks (which includes heft) don’t matter, oh, you’re shallow if you let that weigh how you pick your partner….which always strikes me as someone bragging, from a living room chair, how brave they’d have been if they’d been on the Titanic when it sank.
Yeah, you might have calmly gone to your cabin to dress warmly, then rounded up women and children (orphans first!) and shepherded them, while everyone else was losing their shit, to a lifeboat. Then again, maybe you’d'a vaulted the bar to grab whiskey, pounded half the bottle, then run around in circles screaming ’till the water was over your nostrils. Easy to brag about what you didn’t do/aren’t doing/won’t do. Like dating somebody fat with a great personality, unlike all those shallow types a people.
Yessirree, there are people who are attracted to fat people. And there are people who figure that it’s unlikely they’ll get washboard abs in their next partner, and have resigned themselves to whoever comes along that, 4 Weddings & a Funeral style, doesn’t find them too hideous. And there are people who say looks/weight don’t matter, because they think this makes them sound like better people. And some people really do think this way, until they’re faced with the reality of it.
I think almost everyone would like a relatively low level of bodyfat, ALONG with the ‘physical culture’ mentioned above, the John Grimek style of looks and all-round fitness. This includes a lot of people who claim to be fine being fat. And I think everyone, everyone, wants to feel, and be able to act, like they were in great shape. Nobody says, man, I’m wheezing like a mofo going up ten stairs, this rocks!
There’s an interesting discussion on this at
http://lefarkins.blogspot.com/
You have to scroll almost to the bottom of the page, one of the bloggers wrote ‘The Obesity Myth,’ and in the comments you can find most of the talking points of what I guess we call the fat-rights movement. Interesting read, I’d like to see Leigh’s take on it.
Anybody who is willing to be exploited for their weight issues is no role model to anyone…
Steve C wrote -
“…you’ve got a bunch of people who airily say, looks (which includes heft) don’t matter, oh, you’re shallow if you let that weigh how you pick your partner…”
Besides the fact that few people truly mean it when they say this, I think it also ignores the reality that we tend to be attracted to people who share at least some of our interests and values. If I’m really into the whole fitness and healthy eating thing, how likely is it that I will pick a partner who who is very inactive and only eats food from a drive-thru window, regardless of what she looks like? Even if there’s physical attraction there in the beginning, we would probably soon realize we didn’t have much in common. I read somewhere recently that the whole “opposites attract” idea isn’t real. It may be true somewhat on the personality side, like being more introverted or extraverted, but people mostly choose partners who mirror their own values, likes, and interests.
I agree, Bob. On the surface, my husband and I seem like complete opposites (he’s an engineer and math guy and I’m an English teacher; he’s fairly quiet and I’m loud and extroverted…the list goes on). Underneath it all, though, and once you get to know us both better, we share the same core values.
I haven’t watched this show but I am somewhat familiar with it. I literally don’t make much time to sit infront of the tube. Heck, we haven’t even bought a couch yet and we have lived in our condo for two years! I do sit around a bit though – on this darn computer, cause I, like you, am an information-junkie extraordinaire!
Mu 2 cents: This show you speak of, among many other similar content shows seem to be the new norm – things have not progressed, but instead rather declined to this new pop-culture of poor role models, vulgarity and gluttoney. Never mind miserable obese folks looking for company – how about that show “Kendra?” Now she is something else – not in a good way. Why is pop culture showcasing trashy-hot chics, dumb-as-a-thermos guys, catty-obese women looking for love, and a dried-up old rock star looking for true love from a pool of “hard around the edges, and right through the centre” love contestents. What happened to being entertained and enchanted by the “Tiffany’s – Audrey Hepburns” Fred Astairs, Wayne Gretzky’s, Shaq’s, Karate Kid, LOL… etc. Now when I do turn the noise box on I get “Kendra” the gutter-mouth tart who’s tank tops belong on a 4 year old girl, not stretched across double D’s! And for real here, I am not jealous – I am more or less built like Kendra – I just don’t flaunt it or work it the way she chooses to. So the average American woman is a size 14 eh? And this explains what happened to clothing sizes ( a size 8 is more like a size 12) in recent years. So what world, “if you can’t beat- em, join em?” Gimme a break! If you are genuinely happy and confident at size 22, or frolicking through life with the mouth of a gutter-pig and no class or self respect (Kendra) then “to each his/her own.” But society almost seems as if they are making these (Once extremes) the norm! So now being a fat kid who would rather sit on his/her bum and play video games all day instead of play tag, or race bikes or play street hockey, climb trees, collect bugs, build forts etc etc, is the new normal kid? SAD!
I honestly was eating when i changed the channel and that show was on. I got grossed out. I don’t understand why do people whine about being overweight or hate others for being in shape when they can change themselves.
If you’re fat, do somthing about it or deal with the consquences. If you don’t take care of yourself, don’t accept people to take care of you.
The show is lame and disgusting. If those fat women need love; i advice them to close their pie hole for a while and jog.
“Yeah, maybe fat people are more likely to find love with each other (similar types and all)…”
Similar types??!! All fat people are the same, huh? Are all thin people the same? All people who live in California? All people of any race?? Perhaps you miswrote but this speaks volumes for re-reading BEFORE clicking! And if you actually meant this – must be hard to lift that inflated head out of bed everyday!
Like one of the writers who posted before you, I used to be 146 pounds heavier and made the choice to lose weight to lighten the load on my joints and heart. But even before I lost weight I travelled internationally, wrote for publications, hiked mountains in Kenya and Jamaica, rode horses whenever I got the chance (I’m in the city and there’s no stable here now though there used to be) and I had plenty of attention in the companion department.
Did my life change when I lost weight? Yes, to the degree that I was able to do things for a longer period of time (longer hikes, longer ocean swims) and a bit harder (deadlifting 400 pounds instead of 350). I didn’t become a morally superior person because I was thinner (note – ‘thinner’ NOT ‘thin). I still have some size on me but I’m still the happy, active person I was before I lost the weight.
I’m living proof that not all fat people are the same. The only thing I don’t like about shows like this one and Biggest Loser are all of the people constantly whining about their weight, deferring to the commands of their skinny trainers without question (whether they’re injured or not) and putting themselves and every other fat person in the world down by projecting their low self-esteem onto anyone and everyone who’s over what they judge is an appropriate weight.
In case anyone is wondering – yes, I’m female. And yes, I love lifting the heavy iron! LOL
Perhaps they were referring to the fact that they’d been verbally and/or physically assaulted since childhood.
Would it seem like a long time to you if you were being hit even every OTHER day for 15+ years?? Think about it.