I received an email from one of my members. I am thankful they wrote me because it was respectful, well written, and spurred thought and ultimately this post. Here is there message.
I have gone back and forth on whether to send this because I realize you are a personal trainer, not a sociologist, but I think it is important. Plus, you strike me as a thoughtful person who will take different perspectives into account and welcomes feedback. In no way do I mean for this to be critical.
I read your two blog posts on bulky muscles, and I understand that you are saying you are not passing judgment or endorsing a particular body type. But writing blog posts about how the public still finds strong, athletic women bulky or un-feminine certainly runs the risk of at least unnecessarily pitting the Gwyneth Paltrow wannabes against the female basketball players. A few years ago someone could just as easily have written a blog post about how many African-American women think lighter skin is beautiful, and then provided a podcast full of instructions about how to go about lightening your skin. Maybe that’s an unfair analogy, but that is what came to mind as I read the posts and made it about halfway through the podcast.
The questions relating to female body image are huge, weighty ones with a huge historical backdrop. Perceptions of female strength and athleticism are inextricably linked to very serious issues relating to gender roles and traditional notions of femininity. So, yes, individual women may want to look like the waif models on Project Runway, or they may think female athletes are “bulky,” but it is overly simplistic and, in my opinion, misleading to frame the issue as if it is only about personal taste. It just left a bad taste in my mouth.
Thanks for listening.
best,
(name withheld for privacy)
Great letter. Much better than the normal “I hate you, die!” I receive in regards to that article. The points she made were valid and while I am not sure we will agree in the end, I will try to state my personal – yes, personal – point of view on the issue.
My Belief
My core belief is that we have control over the outcomes and path of our lives. I am fully aware we are living out of control at every turn. At any moment, the earth or humanity can decide our life or death. I am fully aware that accidents, violence, or age will eventually stop our hearts from beating. What I am also aware of is the choices we are faced with everyday – choices we control.
The writer of that letter says to me – “So, yes, individual women may want to look like the waif models on Project Runway, or they may think female athletes are “bulky,” but it is overly simplistic and, in my opinion, misleading to frame the issue as if it is only about personal taste. It just left a bad taste in my mouth.” My response is – it is taste. It is a choice. It is in our control.
How you dress, walk, and speak is in your control. The people you keep as friends or the education you have (formal or self-taught) is in your control. How you express anger, sadness, or dream is in your control. If you train with weights or if you train with your body, is your decision. The decisions you make with these all of these options (and more) will shape who you are and what you look like.
My World
I try not to see the world divided into sex, race, money, or formal education. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our generalizations and preconceived notions, but I have seen the best and worst of people in so many groups. Poor people can be smart and wealthy of heart. High level education can breed ignorance and mean spirits. Men can be sensitive and loyal. Women can be heartless and threatening. I do not believe a man has to be physically strong and I do not think a women has to be free of thought. I simply don’t care, as long as you are who you want to be.
My articles were not meant to say one was right or one was wrong. Again, I don’t care. I believe the model can also be the basketball player. Who is stopping her? I am not? Have you seen what most female basketball players look like? They certainly aren’t lacking in skinniness and height. I believe you can be tough and look soft. I believe, again, that you can be anything you want to be.
I also see nothing wrong in choosing a side. I don’t see any side as bad. I see nothing wrong in a woman wanting to look hot and sexy for her man (or her woman if she so desires). I see nothing wrong in a man wanting to be built and protecting for his woman (or his man if he so desires). If they feel the need to do so beyond their will – if they feel the need to sacrifice their hearts desire – then I don’t agree. That is not for the right reason. But, if they do so because it is what they have always wanted, no matter what psychology led them to that point, that is there hearts desire. My job is to help them try to get it.
Unfair Comparisons and Hypocrisy?
I have read the studies and practically lived a woman’s studies course. I am fully aware of objectifying women and turning them into objects to the point of danger to their livelihood. I am fully aware of the suicidal nature of men who feel they can’t live up to what society expects. That isn’t what I support. I support women and men to live out what they want to be. One of my favorite clients ever was a drag queen. He wanted softer lines and to train his body to help with his drag shows. He felt, in his heart of hearts, he was born to be a women. So do a lot of women, yet they don’t know how. All they know is what woman means to them, in their hearts. I love lending a hand to help.
I don’t think your comparison of an African-American is necessarily the right one, but honestly, I wouldn’t care as long as they were true to themselves. You only get one life. I really don’t care how you live it as long as you aren’t harming living beings for fun and are true to yourself. Is there a line? Yes. But, I find people who will cross that line really aren’t influenced by a blog post cloaked in reason and common sense. People like that are guided by the lack of a sanity or consciousness that you or I could never truly dissect. I wouldn’t care to anyway. I don’t want to know or deal with people like that in my life, so I don’t think about them.
With all that being said, one of your comments didn’t leave the best impression on me. You stated – “women may want to look like the waif models on Project Runway.” To me, that statement shows anger and a distaste for the “skinny” girls and offers up no woman empowerment. Your use of the word waif was harsh and judgmental to women who could be living their dream, their beauty.
How can we stand by and support one type of woman, but not another?
It seems to me you think I am saying “Here is how to be pretty, because you aren’t pretty. Here is the right kind of pretty, because you aren’t pretty.” I am saying, “Whatever pretty is to you, embrace it.”
Why is it wrong to embrace both traditional and non-traditional types of beauty? That is, after all, exactly what I support. You may be surprised at the amount of mass I have stacked on men and women’s quads, glutes, and biceps. I have also removed it. No one way is all right or wrong. There may be a negative history, oppression, and heteronormative practices, but you should be able to hold your head high – barbell or not.
So, I don’t know if that eases your mind about where I stand or not. I certainly don’t mean to offend anyone and I realize my honesty and opinions are controversial to some. In my heart though, all I want is for people to have their dreams as close as they can. To me, opening up the dialogue about what is possible and putting yourself in the drivers seat removes the confusion. Confusion leads to frustrations. Frustration leads to anger. Anger can lead to making very, very bad decisions. All I want to do is supply possible options and education. It is up to the person to decide what they want.
Thank you for the thought provoking letter. I look forward to your response.
To the rest of you, the title of the post still stands for answering. Physical Beauty – What does it mean to you?
Related posts:
I’ve thought about this issue more generally when reading the accountability logs and posts in the forums.
I was initially surprised in the forums by the diversity of goals around physicality, strength, fitness and beauty. The thread where people post photos of their ‘ideal physique’ vary greatly and, again surprisingly to me, ‘waif models’ don’t get a look in.
Having said that, there are some people that have goals that don’t accord with my value set or perceptions of beauty. Do I feel a need to ‘educate’ them about this or suggest that they might consider looking outside their socio-cultural box? Not at all. Unless they’re pursuing something extremely harmful I have to pay that they’re setting goals, working towards achieving them and aiming for a successful outcome. (The best part of the forums is everyone I’ve come across is similarly respectful of differing goals, concepts and approaches).
As much as I’m not keen on the empowerment word, taking control of your physical body is one of the ultimate expressions of empowered choice. Barring health limitations, my body is one of the few things over which I have total agency and I can define as I see fit.
I don’t want to look beautiful, I want to feel beautiful. I might choose to take into account accepted definitions of beauty or what others think when I am defining beauty for myself. Then again, I might not. That’s the best part – I get to choose.
“Barring health limitations, my body is one of the few things over which I have total agency and I can define as I see fit. ”
Well said, that is exactly my point. It is no different than expressing yourself through fashion or hair color. It is just another means of expressing your inner self.
Of course, exercise and weight loss extend beyond the vanity. In the Topics, lI said specifically “If you are in this just for health and lifestyle, this doesn’t apply to you.”
Beautiful for me is how clothes fall on my body and how I feel when I walk into a room. I happen to like a softer look, but I don’t feel any more or less of a “woman.” I feel more…me!
I just realized you asked what we thought of physical beauty. I am assuming you understand my “beauty is skin deep” stuff.
Noted
Hi Leigh!
I am fairly new to your blog and a 2nd time leaving a comment. The first was likely marked as spam because I left a few links. Sorry! I have a few comments about the post BUT I wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I enjoy your writing and point of few. I have followed a few bloggers and none of them have written with your level of intelligence and insight you do.
I think gracefulness is beautiful in a physical sense. It means a lot to me to be graceful and flow when I walk. I don’t know how much a strong muscle look goes along with that. I do feel I can have the health and the beauty in the end!
Enjoy my writing eh? Can I have that notarized?
Welcome and thanks for sharing.
Totally get what you’re saying, Leigh, even though we may have different labels for different body types. That’s OK!
What one may dub as bulky, another may see as healthy looking or sexy. What I consider bulky is more the look a flexed female body builder would like and go for. I also consider my own look (at the moment) a bit “bulky” because I still have unwanted fat on top of some nice muscle. What I consider too skinny or waif-like, others may see as the ideal body. I hear often how I look “skinny.” I’d say I’m “skinny” compared to where I was a year and a half ago, but still very much not skinny by common social perceptions. It’s a matter of perspective, which goes back to your point of it being all about what people want.
I”m not worried about the name it’s given. What is most important to me is to be comfortable in my own skin and to be healthy on the inside, too. I’ve seen plenty of “healthy looking” people with horribly unhealthy lifestyle habits. I want my body on the outside to be a reflection of how I take care of myself overall.
Good job in taking a controversial subject and getting people to think and talk about it, whatever side they may be on. Keep it up!
Well stated.
It’s a whole other topic when we discusses others views of our goals, isn’t it? Crazy,and obsessive, or impressive and determined. STFU just doesn’t seem to be eloquent enough.
Physical beauty vs. healthy. Most personal trainers focus on getting the client healthy, ie lose weight and improve strength and stamina. Some trainers focus on clients who want to achieve a very specific look…bodybuilder or figure competitor. Leigh’s the only trainer I’ve seen that asks what do you want to look like and how can that be realistically achieved. If someone wants to look like a model or an actress, there isn’t a lot of guidance out there about how to do that in a sane way. To me that’s the key to what Leigh does. Reality checks and sane advice. Then it’s up to the client to do the work. I suppose that’s where a lot of people find out if they truly want to achieve the look they think they want.
And just to be clear (because I am in a rambling mood), I also ask “what makes you happy?” I care very much about the inside coming together with the outside. Without that, it’s a very sad and vain world. I would never support that.
I love when healthy minds finally determine what it is they want for themselves, what they may have always wanted, and then say “Can you help me do this? I want to help complete the package!” That is ultimately what I am looking for.
I love this topic. I do see why it spurs such heat and opinion. You are in a sense one of the “popular” people. It’s easier to take these things from someone who doesn’t have thousands of friends and is pretty! Reading it, I could see how some people might get there back up or think you are looking down on them with your honesty. I don’t!
I sent this to my sister to read because she is part of the confusion that has turned into anger. She loved it!
In 5 years I might have a comeback to the first part of what you wrote. Today I simply can’t scrape my blown mind off the floor.
I am glad your sister enjoyed the blog post.
I’m glad I came across this today, because now I’m mulling over my view of what beauty is, and my prejudices in this area. What especially made me rewind was you pointing out that the “skinny waif” statement was also presenting a biased viewpoint of what a woman “should be.” I’m guilty of similar thinking.
I always like it when my POV is slightly shaken up… Keep up the great work!
I guess that from my point of view, I do not know why we wouldn’t want to keep discussing the fact that the general public still finds muscles on women disturbing – considering we really are moving towards a place where women are feeling comfortable embracing different body types. I think what is really exciting about being a woman these days is the fact that there are now a diversity of body types that are considered attractive. This was not always the case. When I was growing up, I did not have the option of looking up to female athletes at all. It simply didn’t exist in my world. There wasn’t really such a thing as the “athletic” actress look (or if there was, it didn’t cross my path in my super small town…) I couldn’t be more excited with how society is changing.
I don’t agree with the commentor’s analogy that trying for a less muscular look is akin to skin lightening. I can see in places why he or she would go there as I know on some level many people think that is a fundamentally unnatural look for many women. Maybe working towards that ideal is not a good or healthy use of some women’s time. I don’t know. But I really can’t presume to make that call for them. People really need to make their own decisons in pursuit of happiness. And in the meantime, I’d rather see fact based, HEALTHY instructions, versus starvation and endless cardio.
I also think, and this is on a slightly separate tangent, that while its still common to see mainstream media push uniformity (not just when it comes to ideals of female beauty) of ideas, belief, and simply what is normal and everyone is “doing or wating” – the growth of the internet has really worked to counterbalane this push.
I feel very ignorant around this topic. I just can’t grasp why it is controversial. To each his/her own, end of story, in my opinion. It IS about personal taste. I have my own opinions on what is beautiful, but I feel no need to thrust my personal tastes on others. They have the right to their own personal tastes, many of which are different from mine, which is to be expected. No two people are alike. It seems simple to me. Everything Leigh says seems like pure logic, and in no way offensive. I guess I just don’t get it.
I agree 1000% Katy. I think what Leigh has written here is extremely articulate and sensitive. I also read both of the bulky articles and think they presented themselves in similar fashion. Go figure.
Leigh was the first person I had ever encountered who offered a voice to those who, like me, felt as thought I had a pick a “side” or pre-conceived identity/vision/whatever to what I wanted to look like instead of following my own dreams, and my own hidden desires that I gave up on and buried deep within years ago.
I find it interesting and intriguing when I encounter people who are so quick to judge me on my appearance, and yet also I play around with it – depending on how I dress, or how lean I am, I am treated differently in ways that are blatantly obvious. It’s certainly made me much more aware of how I treat other people. That is one of the reasons why I support you Leigh, and why I am grateful there is Leigh Peele because you have enabled a growing community of people to support each other in pursuing our best version of ourselves.
Your writing is eloquent, and wonderful to read.
At the end of the day, the most attractive and sexy women are those who are comfortable in their own skin, those who radiate confidence and poise. If they come in a “bulky” form, or a “skinny” form, or another form altogether–it doesn’t matter because how they feel about themselves will make them shine.
I would probably be considered “bulky” by some, but I love being strong and doing badass things in the gym. It makes me happy, makes me feel good about myself. That’s what works for ME. In the end, if someone wants to define me in a negative way, that is their problem and doesn’t affect how I feel about myself. The same can be said for a “skinny” girl who believes in herself.
To me, physical beauty is comfort in your skin, even if its on top of those 2o extra pounds. I’ve seen the most physically flawless (IMO) people walk into a room looking insecure and miserable and go completely unnoticed. I’ve also seen those who would never be seen in a magazine completely captivate a room. Physical beauty is the ability to confidently work with what you have instead of wasting your time wishing you looked like someone else – I guarantee that person is signing at their thighs in the mirror.
Amen to that. I believe Leigh touched on this in an old podcast episode, that “hotness” has more to do with your attitude and personality than it will ever have to do with your body. I, like Katy, do not quite understand the controversy this topic seems to generate. Leigh has always promoted beauty inside and out, whatever it may mean to you and you alone. There is no right or wrong, just the best way to get there, which is what she is trying to help people do.
[...] relation to the above article, here is one by Leigh Peele on making your own decisions about your body type. There is a lot in our [...]
I think this brings up a larger issue than just body type in women. It is a reflection of the thought that we have to be how others want us to be. If we all spent half as much time nurturing our true selves, without caring what others thought or trying match up to ridiculous stereotypes about what beauty is or isn’t, there would be a ton more happiness, and a whole lot more sincerity in the world. Like Leigh said, whoever you are “embrace it”.
RJ, I really liked what you said and how you expressed it. I know I spend far too much time caring what others think, and if I could pour more of my energy into myself and meeting my own needs, I would be happier more of the time. Well said!
I love this article for the kind of discussion that has come out of it!
Another great post Leigh. During my online transformation, one of my followers sent me a message that has resonated with me so much, that I have it tattooed on my side and it is something that I preach to my clients on a daily basis. It is simple and straight to the point and is something that more people need to embrace when it comes to either their own physical beauty or the way they see themselves mentally.
You are who you choose to be.
[...] Physical Beauty – What Does it Mean to You? [...]